Being Mindful

I've purchased a few books in an attempt to remain proactive in my quest toward a continuous recovery. One practice I learned about recently is that of mindfulness. To me, mindfulness means taking a breath and stopping all thoughts for a few seconds (because let's be honest, in an anxiety attack, stopping thoughts isn't the easiest) and taking in how my body is physically feeling.

I practiced this last night as I was awoken in the middle of the night with some anxiety about having a stomachache. I remembered to be mindful and I stopped my thoughts for only a second or two and in that moment of time, I paid attention to my body and how it felt. As it turned out, I did not have a stomachache, but rather it was my mind creating it.

Knowing it's my mind creating the feelings helps slightly in the fact that it gives me piece of mind knowing I, physically, am feeling OK. I am not going to be passing out or dying any time soon. So now I can breathe and focus on making this bout of anxiety go away so I can get some sleep.

I rarely sleep a whole night through because of these random anxiety attacks that wake me up. As of now, I have not researched what to do about this, as far as avoiding this sleep disruption or whether avoiding it is even possible. So for now, it's simply something I deal with.

I read an interesting thought that changes the outlook of anxiety attacks - Thinking of anxiety attacks as opportunities to practice overcoming anxiety. Interesting, isn't it? I like the idea of trying to see the silver living in anxiety attacks.

I feel like I've made a small step toward the right route in this continuous recovery by purchasing a book on dealing with healthy anxiety, specifically. Before, I read material on anxiety as a general concept. I've begun reading the book and we'll see how it goes and if I gain anything helpful from it.

So, for now, my current work-in-progress is practicing being mindful. I feel like being mindful is, like accepting anxiety, something that takes time and practice. I suppose each anxiety attack is my opportunity to learn being mindful.

LB

Accepting Anxiety

I was professionally diagnosed with anxiety about a year and a half ago, though it has plagued me for as long as I can remember. The turning point for me was when I went on a leisurely walk through my neighborhood to come back home to a full blown panic attack. It felt as though I was having a heart attack. At this point, I knew I could no longer live like this.

I've had anxiety since I was a child, however I did not realize it at the time. Looking back, I understand my childhood fears better. The anxiety came to a head when I was 22 years old and had just graduated college and moved 800 miles away from my home to live with my fiance. Being away from my comfort zone, I was vulnerable to many fears. In addition, I had just graduated college and was hit in the face with the reality of life. All throughout college, I had expectations of being a successful businesswoman in a lucrative career. Sometimes, life just doesn't go as we plan and with my naivety, I was blind sided.

At this point in my life, anxiety had begun to affect me in more obvious ways. I couldn't go out to eat at restaurants, I couldn't go to people's houses, I couldn't even sleep a whole night through knowing prompt cares were closed and the only medical help I'd receive would be at the emergency room. I would pace our tiny apartment with fevers and my heart racing trying very hard to calm myself down. Nothing worked except giving it time.

I went on anxiety medication, thanks to my doctor who knew I was suffering from anxiety and not some other health related issue. I sought out a therapist, where I learned the most life changing technique: Accept Anxiety. It was difficult and a long road to learning how to accept my anxiety successfully. Basic instinct tells me to solve the anxiety and find ways to treat it. Now, I was trying to go against instinct and just let it be. Let my anxiety come and feel it, breathe through it, and know that it is just an episode that will pass.

Learning this technique saved me. Instead of trying to push the anxiety attacks away, which only created a heavier and longer attack, I am able to accept that an attack is coming and take it for it is. Instead of trying to treat what my anxiety told me, like I had cancer, I was now treating the anxiety attack itself. An enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I treat the actual cause (anxiety) and not the symptom (that I'm dying).

It is still tough to deal with on a daily basis. I've learned that anxiety will be with me for the rest of my life and it will forever be a constant figure in my life. One of the hardest parts about having anxiety, and quite a trigger, is how embarrassing it is to confess to people my irrational fears. Irrational fears that those without anxiety will certainly not understand and I couldn't ask them too. All I can ask is to empathize and not judge. I've lost "friends" throughout this experience, but have learned who the true people are as I see them surround me everyday.

I hope to use this blog as an outlet for me to continuously be on the road to recovery. I hope to continue to work through my mental disease and find strength in writing my journey.

LB